Merry Christmas to everyone in the world, may you blessed with happiness and joy but most importantly, warmth and love.
I'm not feeling so happy dandy this christmas. The sermon on Sunday keeps coming back to me: What do I need to trust God with? What is God asking me to trust him with? I desperately want to know the answer so that I can put that into his hands and know that that particular area of my life will be okay, it will be saved. Actually, having written that I know that its silly because in reality all aspects of my life are being touched and affected by God. So I really should have not worry about anything. But it would be nice to know concretely and specifically about one aspect.
I think it has to do with my school work, and perhaps just my life here in Beijing in general. But I can't confirm that. I feel like I haven't heard from God regarding the answer just yet, and so I'm waiting. I'm pondering and waiting on his answer.
Last week I saw Mike Barbalas at Bean Tree and was surprised (yet not quite) to see him there. Then a few days later I saw Jason and Angie Hunemuller at Lush. I feel like God is at work again. He is telling me that my communities - Shunyi and Beiyi - are interlinked and showing me that he is in charge. Of course, I already know he is in charge, but he is reminding me to put him first and to really seek him. So that's 2/3 of "special coincides." God always works in 3s in my life so I'm keeping my eyes wide open to see the third person. I know that it will be interesting and it will encourage me greatly once again. God is amazing. I love that he is in charge and that he knows what I need.
I'm going to be praying for myself this upcoming year. I want to be in an intimate relationship with God and I want to depend wholly on him, especially since this is perfect timing, what with me being alone in Beijing.
Merry Christmas baby Jesus. Thank you for coming to save my sins. I'm so grateful for you and I love you so very much.
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Daddy left today
I love to sing the songs about
The rugged cross and fading doubt
The harmonies feel like memories
But singing hymns is hardest when
Your love gets in the car and then
She drives away or he flies away
I don’t think I can sing Oh Happy Day today
When it feels like all my hope is falling down
Maybe next week I’ll be fine
But sometimes grace just takes some time
And Sunday never seemed more sad than now
The rugged cross and fading doubt
The harmonies feel like memories
But singing hymns is hardest when
Your love gets in the car and then
She drives away or he flies away
I don’t think I can sing Oh Happy Day today
When it feels like all my hope is falling down
Maybe next week I’ll be fine
But sometimes grace just takes some time
And Sunday never seemed more sad than now
Friday, October 11, 2013
A poem that makes me want to seize the day
To the Virgins, to Make Much of Time
by Robert Herrick
Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,
Old Time is still a-flying;
And this same flower that smiles today
Tomorrow will be dying.
The glorious lamp of heaven, the sun,
The higher he's a-getting,
The sooner will his race be run,
And nearer he's to setting.
That age is best which is the first,
When youth and blood are warmer;
But being spent, the worse, the worst
Time still succeed the former.
Then be not coy, but use your time,
And while ye may, go marry;
For having lost but once your prime,
You may forever tarry.
by Robert Herrick
Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,
Old Time is still a-flying;
And this same flower that smiles today
Tomorrow will be dying.
The glorious lamp of heaven, the sun,
The higher he's a-getting,
The sooner will his race be run,
And nearer he's to setting.
That age is best which is the first,
When youth and blood are warmer;
But being spent, the worse, the worst
Time still succeed the former.
Then be not coy, but use your time,
And while ye may, go marry;
For having lost but once your prime,
You may forever tarry.
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Wake me up
So wake me when its all over
When I'm wiser and I'm older
All this time I was finding myself
And I didn't know I was lost
Wish I could stay forever this young
Not afraid to close my eyes
Life's a game made for everyone
And love is the prize
When I'm wiser and I'm older
All this time I was finding myself
And I didn't know I was lost
So wake me when its all over
When I'm wiser and I'm older
All this time I was finding myself
And I didn't know I was lost
I didn't know I was lost
I didn't know I was lost
I didn't know I was lost
I didn't know I was lost
Friday, September 20, 2013
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
He is a friend of mine
I know who goes before me
I know who stands behind
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side
The one who reigns forever
He is a friend of mine
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side
I know who stands behind
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side
The one who reigns forever
He is a friend of mine
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side
God, what are you doing?
In the past week I have found out that my dad's new job did not come through. This is frustrating/scary/upsetting/life-changing (no, I am not being melodramatic) because I thought that:
a) We were going to start living a better life. He was promised a 50% salary raise.
b) We were going to be able to pay off the debt quicker.
c) My parents would stay with me in Beijing for a little longer.
In the midst of all the negative emotions, God has been showing me so many things. He has been dropping major hints that He is indeed alive and in charge.
1) Joe talking about community last week at Bongoes. Community here is great - a comfort should by parents leave.
2) Melinda pointing out to mommy that most of the church staff has been under spiritual attack. Could this be Satan's doing?
3) Joyce Hill going to church for the first time since she 'died' twice. What a miracle. Reminded me that God can do absolutely anything.
4) Ricky's nephew, Eathan, passing away due to a riot in Philippines. He gives and takes away but He is still nonetheless in charge.
5) Baptisms that have been happening in church. Touched my heart to see Penny Lyons, 5th grader last year, get baptized.
6) Reflecting on the past summer, me realizing that I am still a child at heart and depend so heavily on my parents.
7) Minor prophets devotion, which just so happened to talk about timing. Trust God's timing, have faith in it.
My head has been spinning and even though my heart is hurting and I am desperately pleading with God to let keep my parents by my side, I know that His way is the best. However, I cannot help but feel a little angry, even though I do realize that I have no right, because it feels like everything I get rooted down to a place and start enjoying myself, start properly fitting in, God has just shook my life and changed things. I would like things to be familiar and somewhat long lasting. It's painful and I'm confused. I'm upset and scared.
a) We were going to start living a better life. He was promised a 50% salary raise.
b) We were going to be able to pay off the debt quicker.
c) My parents would stay with me in Beijing for a little longer.
In the midst of all the negative emotions, God has been showing me so many things. He has been dropping major hints that He is indeed alive and in charge.
1) Joe talking about community last week at Bongoes. Community here is great - a comfort should by parents leave.
2) Melinda pointing out to mommy that most of the church staff has been under spiritual attack. Could this be Satan's doing?
3) Joyce Hill going to church for the first time since she 'died' twice. What a miracle. Reminded me that God can do absolutely anything.
4) Ricky's nephew, Eathan, passing away due to a riot in Philippines. He gives and takes away but He is still nonetheless in charge.
5) Baptisms that have been happening in church. Touched my heart to see Penny Lyons, 5th grader last year, get baptized.
6) Reflecting on the past summer, me realizing that I am still a child at heart and depend so heavily on my parents.
7) Minor prophets devotion, which just so happened to talk about timing. Trust God's timing, have faith in it.
My head has been spinning and even though my heart is hurting and I am desperately pleading with God to let keep my parents by my side, I know that His way is the best. However, I cannot help but feel a little angry, even though I do realize that I have no right, because it feels like everything I get rooted down to a place and start enjoying myself, start properly fitting in, God has just shook my life and changed things. I would like things to be familiar and somewhat long lasting. It's painful and I'm confused. I'm upset and scared.
Thursday, September 5, 2013
My musings
I haven't written in a long time and I haven't sorted myself out for even longer. Things just pile on day by day and I come across interesting things but I brush them aside as if they do not matter. I am coming to realize that whilst they may be insignificant, they ultimately add up to something great. They add up to my growing up, my becoming the woman whom I ultimately want to be.
Some days I reflect and realize that my life is not moving in the direction I would like it to. That's a scary thought, because if it is not heading in the path I want it to, then where is it heading?
My main takeaway from the summer: I am not yet who I would like to be. I known I've harped on this point a couple of times before, but still. It's taken me by surprise. I never in my wildest dreams imagined that I would not like myself. And so, this academic year I am going to try and mould myself into someone I can be proud of, someone who will not wince at her own actions when the sun has set.
Even though time has flown by since school started, I have been meaning to take note of the more important events that occurred during the summer. They mostly have to do with Tim, but I nonetheless feel that they are vital, especially for times when I am frustrated with him and our relationship.
1. His patience and care for me. The one time that certainly stood out and struck me as downright amazing was the first friday we were both in HK, and he wanted to go play beer pong. I don't know what was wrong with me that night, but I threw a fuss just before he left. And whilst he was there, he would whatsapped me a couple of times and even called the house phone. I heard it while I was showering and scrambled out to pick it up (I didn't have a HK number and this was the only way we could talk on the phone). I remember being cold and simply, not a very nice person. He whatsapped me various times throughout the night and I thought to myself, "while he's being so caring and trying so hard". I felt sick with disgust because he was not repulsed by my horrible attitude. He kept trying. Later in the night, he told me he would be home an hour or so later. I told him something to the extent of "its only an hour it doesn't even matter" when really it killed me that he wasn't around. When he finally came home, he came into my bed to talk to me and I twitched away from him even though I was so delighted. He left a note on my phone before leaving the room: Good morning baby girl, I love you forever :) smile real big okay? WOW. Talk about being the perfect boyfriend. I went to his room after reading his note (it was almost 5 in the morning at this point) and it was messy. But that night, I knew that I was selfish and I knew that I had someone to hold onto.
2. Our last night. We decided to go to beer pong to meet up with everyone for a little while before leaving early. I was laughing with Rachel when she asked me, "Why are Tim and Janis so close?" Trying to be cheeky, I called Tim over and repeated the question. He denied it jokingly and asked me why I lent my moped to Jeffrey. I was upset and I glared at him, because that was a very sensitive topic for me. I know, my fault again. We got into this full blown argument and left the place early, without saying proper goodbyes. Back at home, I gave him his space and tried to talk to him as peacefully and gently as possible. It didn't work, he was not in a good mood. I set aside my anger and tried to put him to bed, even though my heart was quite literally breaking. I didn't want our last night together to not be used properly. Thankfully, that's how he thought to. As I was about to leave his room, he grabbed my thigh and asked me not to go. That small gesture meant so much to me. He was putting aside his anger and choosing me!
I think the above 2 points are the most important to me. But at the same time, I know that there were countless instances where he was selfless and put me first. To conclude, I love Tim. I really do.
I've saved this little paragraph that Tim wrote from ages ago, but even now I find it relevant.
yet time after time after time i told you i wanted to you come and i want to see you and i love you
but the point is hon that i know you know
so why is it so hard? you know i love you and i want to see you
so why do you treat things as if i dont want to
Some days I reflect and realize that my life is not moving in the direction I would like it to. That's a scary thought, because if it is not heading in the path I want it to, then where is it heading?
My main takeaway from the summer: I am not yet who I would like to be. I known I've harped on this point a couple of times before, but still. It's taken me by surprise. I never in my wildest dreams imagined that I would not like myself. And so, this academic year I am going to try and mould myself into someone I can be proud of, someone who will not wince at her own actions when the sun has set.
Even though time has flown by since school started, I have been meaning to take note of the more important events that occurred during the summer. They mostly have to do with Tim, but I nonetheless feel that they are vital, especially for times when I am frustrated with him and our relationship.
1. His patience and care for me. The one time that certainly stood out and struck me as downright amazing was the first friday we were both in HK, and he wanted to go play beer pong. I don't know what was wrong with me that night, but I threw a fuss just before he left. And whilst he was there, he would whatsapped me a couple of times and even called the house phone. I heard it while I was showering and scrambled out to pick it up (I didn't have a HK number and this was the only way we could talk on the phone). I remember being cold and simply, not a very nice person. He whatsapped me various times throughout the night and I thought to myself, "while he's being so caring and trying so hard". I felt sick with disgust because he was not repulsed by my horrible attitude. He kept trying. Later in the night, he told me he would be home an hour or so later. I told him something to the extent of "its only an hour it doesn't even matter" when really it killed me that he wasn't around. When he finally came home, he came into my bed to talk to me and I twitched away from him even though I was so delighted. He left a note on my phone before leaving the room: Good morning baby girl, I love you forever :) smile real big okay? WOW. Talk about being the perfect boyfriend. I went to his room after reading his note (it was almost 5 in the morning at this point) and it was messy. But that night, I knew that I was selfish and I knew that I had someone to hold onto.
2. Our last night. We decided to go to beer pong to meet up with everyone for a little while before leaving early. I was laughing with Rachel when she asked me, "Why are Tim and Janis so close?" Trying to be cheeky, I called Tim over and repeated the question. He denied it jokingly and asked me why I lent my moped to Jeffrey. I was upset and I glared at him, because that was a very sensitive topic for me. I know, my fault again. We got into this full blown argument and left the place early, without saying proper goodbyes. Back at home, I gave him his space and tried to talk to him as peacefully and gently as possible. It didn't work, he was not in a good mood. I set aside my anger and tried to put him to bed, even though my heart was quite literally breaking. I didn't want our last night together to not be used properly. Thankfully, that's how he thought to. As I was about to leave his room, he grabbed my thigh and asked me not to go. That small gesture meant so much to me. He was putting aside his anger and choosing me!
I think the above 2 points are the most important to me. But at the same time, I know that there were countless instances where he was selfless and put me first. To conclude, I love Tim. I really do.
I've saved this little paragraph that Tim wrote from ages ago, but even now I find it relevant.
yet time after time after time i told you i wanted to you come and i want to see you and i love you
but the point is hon that i know you know
so why is it so hard? you know i love you and i want to see you
so why do you treat things as if i dont want to
It's spot on. It's me all over. Somehow my brain is wired in such a way that I don't comprehend how much Tim loves me in the heat of the moment. I will change for him.
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Why
Lately I've been asking myself the question why. Why do things happen the way they do? Why do I care about some things? Why do I allow life to just happen? Why does God plan things out this way?
I don't understand. I don't understand so many things. I'm naive and unsure of what's right and what's wrong.
The past few days have been sprinkled with little quarrels with Tim. I'm just so over fighting with him about stupid useless things that don't even matter in the grand scheme of things. I just want to lead a peaceful life. Is this wishful thinking? I didn't use to think so. Why is making a relationship work so difficult. It's ridiculous. Life shouldn't be so hard, it should come naturally.
I don't understand. I don't understand so many things. I'm naive and unsure of what's right and what's wrong.
The past few days have been sprinkled with little quarrels with Tim. I'm just so over fighting with him about stupid useless things that don't even matter in the grand scheme of things. I just want to lead a peaceful life. Is this wishful thinking? I didn't use to think so. Why is making a relationship work so difficult. It's ridiculous. Life shouldn't be so hard, it should come naturally.
Saturday, August 3, 2013
Mind blown
Last night Tim came back from beer pong and ranted for nearly an hour at me. He made me realize how selfish I am, how selfish I can be. He gives and gives in our relationship while I do not. I wonder when this started happening. I wonder when I stopped being the person I liked.
I realize that I do not want to break up with him. I do not want him out of my life. His rantings made me see that if I were to let him go, I would be a sad woman. He went out of the way to call me, to whatsapp me, to look for me when he got home. And I did not even have the decency to reciprocate his love by showing him kindness and patience. Why was I even angry in the first place? I don't know. I can't bring myself to read what I typed last night because it is ugly and untrue. I love this boy with all my heart, and the thought of leaving him always makes my heart ache. While I do believe that God will provide for me if we do break up, it's not something I want to happen.
In the midst of his rantings he asked me why I was trying to sabotage the relationship. Am I doing that? Why am I doing that?
I need to learn how to be unselfish. I need to learn to be like Tim and love like Tim. I need to give my 100% to this relationship.
I realize that I do not want to break up with him. I do not want him out of my life. His rantings made me see that if I were to let him go, I would be a sad woman. He went out of the way to call me, to whatsapp me, to look for me when he got home. And I did not even have the decency to reciprocate his love by showing him kindness and patience. Why was I even angry in the first place? I don't know. I can't bring myself to read what I typed last night because it is ugly and untrue. I love this boy with all my heart, and the thought of leaving him always makes my heart ache. While I do believe that God will provide for me if we do break up, it's not something I want to happen.
In the midst of his rantings he asked me why I was trying to sabotage the relationship. Am I doing that? Why am I doing that?
I need to learn how to be unselfish. I need to learn to be like Tim and love like Tim. I need to give my 100% to this relationship.
My theme for this summer is frustration
I'm not sure when it started but lately I haven't liked myself very much. And coming from me I know this is weird and not right. I've always liked myself. Yes, I've always been proud of myself. In a weird way I've become the very kind of person I use to look down upon.
I'm frustrated with my relationship with Tim. I want to call it quits and give up. Sometimes I don't know what I'm fighting for - he drives me up a wall so often. My patience with him is wearing thin and frankly speaking I know that overall I will be okay without him. Yes, I will hurt and be lonely at times. Perhaps I will cry my eyes out and my heart will literally ache. But in the end I will have God and He will guide me through. He will make things okay, I know it. He will show me delights in life that I have yet to experience. But how do you just give up like that? That's crazy. I can't imagine just throwing the blanket in simply because. I'm stuck. I want time away from him I want my own breathing space and yet I'm such a coward. I don't dare to push him away while we have the opportunity to actually be together. I fear regret and I fear a life without him. When did I become one of these pathetic girls? What is happening to me?
How do I determine whether or not I want to be in a relationship with him? How do I determine if this is the path that God wants me to be on?
Self awareness has dawn upon me and I understand now that I am too sensitive, about everything. I want to tell my friends what I am feeling but I have an image in my head, an image where they will merely chalk it up to me being annoying. What a horrible image.
I don't want to grow up. I'm frustrated with the sense of responsibility it brings. I don't want to have to care for everyone's feelings, to have to thread carefully all the time. This goes back to being too sensitive too. I don't know when it's okay to disappoint someone. I use to think that the world was an easy place to be in, but these few weeks have been so stressful and displeasing. I don't like it.
I'm frustrated with my relationship with Tim. I want to call it quits and give up. Sometimes I don't know what I'm fighting for - he drives me up a wall so often. My patience with him is wearing thin and frankly speaking I know that overall I will be okay without him. Yes, I will hurt and be lonely at times. Perhaps I will cry my eyes out and my heart will literally ache. But in the end I will have God and He will guide me through. He will make things okay, I know it. He will show me delights in life that I have yet to experience. But how do you just give up like that? That's crazy. I can't imagine just throwing the blanket in simply because. I'm stuck. I want time away from him I want my own breathing space and yet I'm such a coward. I don't dare to push him away while we have the opportunity to actually be together. I fear regret and I fear a life without him. When did I become one of these pathetic girls? What is happening to me?
How do I determine whether or not I want to be in a relationship with him? How do I determine if this is the path that God wants me to be on?
Self awareness has dawn upon me and I understand now that I am too sensitive, about everything. I want to tell my friends what I am feeling but I have an image in my head, an image where they will merely chalk it up to me being annoying. What a horrible image.
I don't want to grow up. I'm frustrated with the sense of responsibility it brings. I don't want to have to care for everyone's feelings, to have to thread carefully all the time. This goes back to being too sensitive too. I don't know when it's okay to disappoint someone. I use to think that the world was an easy place to be in, but these few weeks have been so stressful and displeasing. I don't like it.
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