My musings

I haven't written in a long time and I haven't sorted myself out for even longer. Things just pile on day by day and I come across interesting things but I brush them aside as if they do not matter. I am coming to realize that whilst they may be insignificant, they ultimately add up to something great. They add up to my growing up, my becoming the woman whom I ultimately want to be.

Some days I reflect and realize that my life is not moving in the direction I would like it to. That's a scary thought, because if it is not heading in the path I want it to, then where is it heading?

My main takeaway from the summer: I am not yet who I would like to be. I known I've harped on this point a couple of times before, but still. It's taken me by surprise. I never in my wildest dreams imagined that I would not like myself. And so, this academic year I am going to try and mould myself into someone I can be proud of, someone who will not wince at her own actions when the sun has set.

Even though time has flown by since school started, I have been meaning to take note of the more important events that occurred during the summer. They mostly have to do with Tim, but I nonetheless feel that they are vital, especially for times when I am frustrated with him and our relationship.

1. His patience and care for me. The one time that certainly stood out and struck me as downright amazing was the first friday we were both in HK, and he wanted to go play beer pong. I don't know what was wrong with me that night, but I threw a fuss just before he left. And whilst he was there, he would whatsapped me a couple of times and even called the house phone. I heard it while I was showering and scrambled out to pick it up (I didn't have a HK number and this was the only way we could talk on the phone). I remember being cold and simply, not a very nice person. He whatsapped me various times throughout the night and I thought to myself, "while he's being so caring and trying so hard". I felt sick with disgust because he was not repulsed by my horrible attitude. He kept trying. Later in the night, he told me he would be home an hour or so later. I told him something to the extent of "its only an hour it doesn't even matter" when really it killed me that he wasn't around. When he finally came home, he came into my bed to talk to me and I twitched away from him even though I was so delighted. He left a note on my phone before leaving the room: Good morning baby girl, I love you forever :) smile real big okay? WOW. Talk about being the perfect boyfriend. I went to his room after reading his note (it was almost 5 in the morning at this point) and it was messy. But that night, I knew that I was selfish and I knew that I had someone to hold onto.

2. Our last night. We decided to go to beer pong to meet up with everyone for a little while before leaving early. I was laughing with Rachel when she asked me, "Why are Tim and Janis so close?" Trying to be cheeky, I called Tim over and repeated the question. He denied it jokingly and asked me why I lent my moped to Jeffrey. I was upset and I glared at him, because that was a very sensitive topic for me. I know, my fault again. We got into this full blown argument and left the place early, without saying proper goodbyes. Back at home, I gave him his space and tried to talk to him as peacefully and gently as possible. It didn't work, he was not in a good mood. I set aside my anger and tried to put him to bed, even though my heart was quite literally breaking. I didn't want our last night together to not be used properly. Thankfully, that's how he thought to. As I was about to leave his room, he grabbed my thigh and asked me not to go. That small gesture meant so much to me. He was putting aside his anger and choosing me!

I think the above 2 points are the most important to me. But at the same time, I know that there were countless instances where he was selfless and put me first. To conclude, I love Tim. I really do.

I've saved this little paragraph that Tim wrote from ages ago, but even now I find it relevant.

yet time after time after time i told you i wanted to you come and i want to see you and i love you
but the point is hon that i know you know
so why is it so hard? you know i love you and i want to see you
so why do you treat things as if i dont want to

It's spot on. It's me all over. Somehow my brain is wired in such a way that I don't comprehend how much Tim loves me in the heat of the moment. I will change for him.