Lately I've been asking myself the question why. Why do things happen the way they do? Why do I care about some things? Why do I allow life to just happen? Why does God plan things out this way?
I don't understand. I don't understand so many things. I'm naive and unsure of what's right and what's wrong.
The past few days have been sprinkled with little quarrels with Tim. I'm just so over fighting with him about stupid useless things that don't even matter in the grand scheme of things. I just want to lead a peaceful life. Is this wishful thinking? I didn't use to think so. Why is making a relationship work so difficult. It's ridiculous. Life shouldn't be so hard, it should come naturally.
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Saturday, August 3, 2013
Mind blown
Last night Tim came back from beer pong and ranted for nearly an hour at me. He made me realize how selfish I am, how selfish I can be. He gives and gives in our relationship while I do not. I wonder when this started happening. I wonder when I stopped being the person I liked.
I realize that I do not want to break up with him. I do not want him out of my life. His rantings made me see that if I were to let him go, I would be a sad woman. He went out of the way to call me, to whatsapp me, to look for me when he got home. And I did not even have the decency to reciprocate his love by showing him kindness and patience. Why was I even angry in the first place? I don't know. I can't bring myself to read what I typed last night because it is ugly and untrue. I love this boy with all my heart, and the thought of leaving him always makes my heart ache. While I do believe that God will provide for me if we do break up, it's not something I want to happen.
In the midst of his rantings he asked me why I was trying to sabotage the relationship. Am I doing that? Why am I doing that?
I need to learn how to be unselfish. I need to learn to be like Tim and love like Tim. I need to give my 100% to this relationship.
I realize that I do not want to break up with him. I do not want him out of my life. His rantings made me see that if I were to let him go, I would be a sad woman. He went out of the way to call me, to whatsapp me, to look for me when he got home. And I did not even have the decency to reciprocate his love by showing him kindness and patience. Why was I even angry in the first place? I don't know. I can't bring myself to read what I typed last night because it is ugly and untrue. I love this boy with all my heart, and the thought of leaving him always makes my heart ache. While I do believe that God will provide for me if we do break up, it's not something I want to happen.
In the midst of his rantings he asked me why I was trying to sabotage the relationship. Am I doing that? Why am I doing that?
I need to learn how to be unselfish. I need to learn to be like Tim and love like Tim. I need to give my 100% to this relationship.
My theme for this summer is frustration
I'm not sure when it started but lately I haven't liked myself very much. And coming from me I know this is weird and not right. I've always liked myself. Yes, I've always been proud of myself. In a weird way I've become the very kind of person I use to look down upon.
I'm frustrated with my relationship with Tim. I want to call it quits and give up. Sometimes I don't know what I'm fighting for - he drives me up a wall so often. My patience with him is wearing thin and frankly speaking I know that overall I will be okay without him. Yes, I will hurt and be lonely at times. Perhaps I will cry my eyes out and my heart will literally ache. But in the end I will have God and He will guide me through. He will make things okay, I know it. He will show me delights in life that I have yet to experience. But how do you just give up like that? That's crazy. I can't imagine just throwing the blanket in simply because. I'm stuck. I want time away from him I want my own breathing space and yet I'm such a coward. I don't dare to push him away while we have the opportunity to actually be together. I fear regret and I fear a life without him. When did I become one of these pathetic girls? What is happening to me?
How do I determine whether or not I want to be in a relationship with him? How do I determine if this is the path that God wants me to be on?
Self awareness has dawn upon me and I understand now that I am too sensitive, about everything. I want to tell my friends what I am feeling but I have an image in my head, an image where they will merely chalk it up to me being annoying. What a horrible image.
I don't want to grow up. I'm frustrated with the sense of responsibility it brings. I don't want to have to care for everyone's feelings, to have to thread carefully all the time. This goes back to being too sensitive too. I don't know when it's okay to disappoint someone. I use to think that the world was an easy place to be in, but these few weeks have been so stressful and displeasing. I don't like it.
I'm frustrated with my relationship with Tim. I want to call it quits and give up. Sometimes I don't know what I'm fighting for - he drives me up a wall so often. My patience with him is wearing thin and frankly speaking I know that overall I will be okay without him. Yes, I will hurt and be lonely at times. Perhaps I will cry my eyes out and my heart will literally ache. But in the end I will have God and He will guide me through. He will make things okay, I know it. He will show me delights in life that I have yet to experience. But how do you just give up like that? That's crazy. I can't imagine just throwing the blanket in simply because. I'm stuck. I want time away from him I want my own breathing space and yet I'm such a coward. I don't dare to push him away while we have the opportunity to actually be together. I fear regret and I fear a life without him. When did I become one of these pathetic girls? What is happening to me?
How do I determine whether or not I want to be in a relationship with him? How do I determine if this is the path that God wants me to be on?
Self awareness has dawn upon me and I understand now that I am too sensitive, about everything. I want to tell my friends what I am feeling but I have an image in my head, an image where they will merely chalk it up to me being annoying. What a horrible image.
I don't want to grow up. I'm frustrated with the sense of responsibility it brings. I don't want to have to care for everyone's feelings, to have to thread carefully all the time. This goes back to being too sensitive too. I don't know when it's okay to disappoint someone. I use to think that the world was an easy place to be in, but these few weeks have been so stressful and displeasing. I don't like it.
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