The past two days have been tough. I came back to Beijing on the 20th, after having spent a week in Shanghai with Tim. It's not the separation from Tim that has been feeling so bummed. It's the fact that Christmas is right around the corner and I don't feel the warmth & joy that Christmas is supposed to bring....
Yesterday during our neurology rotation, we were brought to a medical room where there were 5 patients, all of whom were suffering from various degrees of brain haemorrhage. It was tough. They reminded me of gong gong, especially of the time that he spent in the hospital. It was the persistent cough that seemed to be uncontrollable, it was the feeding tubes that went in through their nose. It was the huge amount of phlegm in their mouths, it was the pillow placed on the side of their movement-less body. It was tough.
To aggravate certain pathological signs on the old lady that we were carrying on the medical checkup on, our teacher repeatedly aggravated the patient. It was so painful to watch and I had to step out for a moment to let loose a few tears. It was tough.
I don't know if I'm being overly sensitive, but I also feel ghosted by my two good friends. (Side note: are they my good friends? What does it say about our relationship when after university is over I don't think I'll miss them all them much?) It's almost a "what goes around comes around" situation. On one hand I am unable to join them, but on the other hand they did not attempt to invite me. I know my joy comes from God, and I know the quality of my life is entirely dependent on God. It does not matter what others say or do, but it does hurt because I don't know what I did wrong, or what went wrong where.
I wish I had good Christian sisters here in Beijing. I wish Ling Han and Kristi were still around. I wish I didn't always have to say goodbye to people in Beijing. I wish I had people who understood the true meaning of Christmas around, to celebrate Christmas with me.
Lord, in the meantime, would you please fill the hole in my heart?
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