The break

When I was in HK for the October holiday, I raised the idea of taking a break to Tim. It's not that I don't love him anymore, it's that I love him too much. I want to, I need to, I must, put God before him.

The moments building up to THE moment was easy, because I knew in my heart that it was the right to do. I felt peace within, peace from God. I remember lying in bed and hugging him as tightly as possible, trying to tell him my plan as gently as possible. I lay behind him, wrapping my arms and legs around him and trying to melt myself into his bodies. It was easy telling him. But it was hard realizing that he no longer wanted to hug me, no longer wanted to comfort me. And of course, that seems natural and is something I should have expected. I guess I simply did not think so far ahead.

It was even harder getting him to understand where I was coming from. Explaining to him what I felt was wrong with our relationship - that was painful. But the hardest part was telling him that I need to love God more than I love him. That's the thing though - that should be the easiest. I should love God so much that my love for Tim pales in comparison. Right now, that's not what is happening.

Through the next few days, Tim and I discussed what we should do. He agreed with me that we need a life with more of God. We need a relationship that is entirely based around God. I don't know if it is possible. Yes, all things are possible with God who strengthens us, but we are humans and we will fail. With that in mind, we want to try.

We have decided to give each other more space. Funny isn't it - taking a break and giving each other more space essentially leads to the same point, yet because of the way it's phrased, one provides comfort and hope while the other seems more cold and isolated.

Right now, we have decided to talk twice a week, once during the weekend and once during the week. We will talk and catch up and hopefully, we will uplift the name of God during the time together. I thank God for such a discernment, that I wold know something was amiss. And I thank Him even more for the courage to do something about it. It was hard, and it was painful. At times I am lonely and regret and waver, but I keep telling myself that this is better for the long run. I remind myself that God is with me, in me, all the time. All the time, God is good.

I am even more in love with Tim because of the fact that he is willing to do this for me, and for God. I love him because I know that he loves God. I love him for affirming my love in God, and for encouraging me to pursue my relationship with God instead of with him.


I told Tim, "Right now we are 1+1=2, but when we come back together we will be 1+1=3."

Me, God, and Tim.